My 2 cats Pooh and Rio waiting for me in the driveway every night for my coming home. Pooh insisting on a nose kiss before I could walk to the door. Rio in her queenly manner, quiet. She so loved me after swim workouts, rubbing all over my feet for the smell of chlorine. Or waiting in the driveway for me to return from a run. My little friend of 8 yrs after all the workouts.
January 8. Letting the cats out as I left for work, not wanting to but they were so insistent. It was a cold night with a full moon, which they loved. 3 went out, 2 came in when I was home later. No Rio. I called and left my window open as the cats sometimes came in that way. I woke up early with dread and immediately went to the door: her little body was in the driveway across the street. She'd been there all night. I was crushed and stayed in bed 3 days. All of us, Rikki yowling for Rio, the others quiet and curled against me.
February and March were filled with caring for Mom and arguments. Only later would I realize how much pain she'd been in and how hard it is to feel normal with that. I was trying to race but injuries were slowing me down. I had my new $6k Tiphoon tri bike and couldnt' ride it. Frustrating. Nick was lame and I was hauling him, renting a trailer, for shockwave treatments. It was 7 hrs roundtrip to the vet. I brought Nick to a new barn to have more time for Mom. Busy, busy.
March I brought the two baby ducks home. It was like the show Friends with the duck and chicken. Mom loved them, a surprise. Our joke became "the ducks grew today!" Temporary pets as they would go to the duck pond but so much fun. The way they would follow me into the house. Mom laughing at me chasing the ducks around the yard or them following me and the cats walking behind them. It brings back such a happy distractful memory. What cancer, we got ducks!
April 9: the arrival of Ariel. I told Mom no more cats but she pushed me for the rescued Bengal knowing I'd always wanted one. Mom even gave Ariel her own room!! Lou was around all the time, a life saver. Dear Lou, he is one jewel of a man!
April 27. Took Nick to Dr T's and met Lance for the first time. We both remember it well. I was so taken by him I got in the truck talking of him and told everyone at work the next day, that I had met the most incredible man. I kept thinking of ways to get him to see Nick. And miracle: Nick was ridable for the first time in 7 months after Lance's first shoeing!!
May, my last race but I won my age group. In 100 degree heat! I got Amy through the triathlon, she had been so nervous. I kept looking for Lance to show up but no go. Life started to get very hard with caring for Mom and my own injury. Physical Therapy, 4 hrs of laundry a day, getting her whatever she wanted to eat. She was diagnosed terminal with 6 months. She's wasting away, a skeleton. I cleaned her room for her and was in tears, because she would not be around for long. It was so hard facing losing her but I had to be there for her.
June: Mom went to Salt Lake at the end of the month determined like me. She was going to see her nephew graduate!. She was in such awful pain but always called me from her trips. I was told to come up a week after she arrived: I raced Danskin as an elite for the first time with all this in my head. Finished 15th overall female and got on a plane. I sat by her bed for two days while she slept. So I would take care of her in her moments awake. The morphine a blessed relief as we got to talk, she was happy. A laptop in my lap talking to Halfbridled on the Forum. Such encouraging messages sent back. Then I had to fly back to Austin and had to say goodbye. On Thurs, June 17th I hugged her for the last time. She insisted on standing, IV and all. Holding her frail body to mine while she told me "it never ends". Me, trying not to cry as my heart was ripped out. I told Mom to tell Rio I missed her and Mom said Rio would be sleeping beside her in heaven soon.
The smell, the feel of her bones through fragile skin and knowing I'd never see her again. She went into a coma the next morning. To hold someone knowing you would never see them alive again, never hear thier voice, never have them to talk to, to call, to tell them you love them and all they they gave up for you.
I went home to work, taking my mind off. I called her Friday, she was asleep all day on morphine
but the phone next to her ear caused her to open her eyes and tell me she loved me
The Call came Sunday the 20th. I left the store, and Sarah McLaughlin's "I will Remember You" was playing. I still cry hearing it. I started cleaning the house. Lance called and was so sweet. But how could 6 months become 6 weeks! I was mad at the doc for not seeing this. I wanted my Mom back in her home, in our home. I was in this huge house alone.
July: so busy planning the funeral, cleaning. The funeral was hard, a house full of people, and me having to give the eulogy. I swore not to cry but did, the whole church started crying. It was hot. I tried to cycle 50 miles to the beautiful city of Gruene with the shop but my back spasmed badly. I decided I could not work out anymore. July 3rd Lance called for a date and we talked hours, hours for days. Went to Starbucks, watched Lord of the Rings. I could not believe I was with him and he felt the same way. I was given 2 weeks to move out of my house and Lance asked me to move in. Salado, the country ranch house, the dogs. Coming home to his kiss and having 5 phone calls a day from him that he missed me. We had maybe 3 nights apart in 2.5 months and that was in the beginning. Those days bring back such happy memories of the care and love he showed.
I guess that is where the rest of the blog takes over...Memories of 2004, the sights, the smells, the songs, the feelings. My heart may be broken but not my spirit.
