This writes backward...I spent the summer and fall with Jon..it was the happiest time of my life so far. Incredible happiness and incredible experiences. I can't write about it yet because it came to incredible sadness. I miss him terribly but he was losing identity. So what is the real identity, then or now?

I wrote is in the blog before I met him

I can not say I can forget this summer! It's a time I realize what I really want to do, and wondering why I wasted all the time and money drifting for a few months.... I am having so much fun with massage school that I can not wait for the second semester.
And I still stay with a clientele I adore...my athlete friends.
Racing is good, the training better. BSLT could have gone better, my back going out and leaving me with an 11 mile walk in the prairie! But what a test of mental toughness.
My equine photography is going well, my paintings, my drawings...

After a 6 month layoff and a year without a triathlon... and overcoming a serious injury. I find losing Confidence is the biggest injury to heal from. But,  I'm back! May 7, won Master Overall Female at Rookie Tri and 6th overall female. After a 15hr training week! It feels incredible.

It's not just the racing though...a good training day like today is to hit it hard with Shellon(training to qualify for World Duathlon) for 15 miles. The two of us side-by-side racing down the hiways. I maxed heart rate out a couple times.
Then pick up Judy(qualified for Hawaii) as Shellon does a shorter route. Steady, fast Judy. She never slows down. She takes off at mile 38 so I am alone to mile 45 where I pick up an older man who is very good.
But anytime alone on the bike: compressed down to the top tube of my titanium racehorse, fingers holding  aluminum reins: streamlined arrow on a 1/4 inch of rubber on the road. Perfect balance at 30mph. A slight shift, a whisper of a  thought, and I can make the bike move ever so slightly off a patch in the road.  Watch that computer at 30mph  and make it creep up to 32mph...tailwind helping me. Perfect revolutions of the pedals, just staying still as possible to be as aero as possible. It's so AWESOME!! The speed, like flying. And a 50 mile bike ride finished in 2:46!

I have to say, I had been the happiest I've been in over 2yrs the past couple months. It's been awesome and I've enjoyed the conversations with a wonderful man, great workouts, good horses to ride and great work.

Wow, so much has happened in the past 1.5 months!! I think it's more of feelings being cemented and realizing what I need to do vs want to do.
There is noone to help me in a pinch. This I know and been able to concentrate on more of where I am in work and what benefits me. Be as resourceful as I can. It's scary though!! No safety net.
Have the garage sale of Mom's things to finance my Keeneland trip. She would understand I can not store these things and that every little bit is going to help me. I think she would be glad her nice things are not given away as my sister was going to do. It was hard though!!! Clothes I remembered her in, the chair she loved...but I did it.
Realizing Lance was not who I thought he was, THAT is behind me. I'm really null & void on feelings toward him but am told that is good. Kinda embarrassed I got sucked into that one.
Lots of old cruise ship buddies have been coming back into the pic..surprised to run into Jim Smith right at the Home Depot in Georgetown!! And he married Rachael. I look forward to seeing more of them. But it amazes me someone will recognize you after 8-10 yrs in a totally different setting. Out of context!
Racing will be on the back burner another year. I will do what I can but picking up the extra shifts and the studies is most important. Riding horses also takes a backburner. I retired Nick to pasture and until I can afford to ride, take lessons again and have the TB I want, it's best to wait. I have people wanting me to ride for them so I just have to work around that.
I had a horrible race at the 3m half marathon 2 weeks ago: but it didnt' bother me. That's a first!! I just walked when it got more painful and had a blast with everyone.  There are three races coming up in March and I'm allowed one of them. I will pick one as a goal. St Croix is not going to happen so I decided maybe it would be better to shoot for Buffalo Springs(June). I was suppossed to be racing there anyway and Mom died.
It's working out, and I just need to have patience

I was such a relief to put this past year behind me. I put most of it in a scrapbook with poems and pics and put it away. I will attempt to capture some moments, good and bad, to share. It starts on a gloomy note but the year was not all bad, just intense.

My 2 cats Pooh and Rio waiting for me in the driveway every night for my coming home. Pooh insisting on a nose kiss before I could walk to the door. Rio in her queenly manner, quiet. She so loved me after swim workouts, rubbing all over my feet for the smell of chlorine. Or waiting in the driveway for me to return from a run. My little friend of 8 yrs after all the workouts.
January 8. Letting the cats out as I left for work, not wanting to but they were so insistent. It was a cold night with a full moon, which they loved. 3 went out, 2 came in when I was home later. No Rio. I called and left my window open as the cats sometimes came in that way. I woke up early with dread and immediately went to the door: her little body was in the driveway across the street. She'd been there all night. I was crushed and stayed in bed 3 days. All of us, Rikki yowling for Rio, the others quiet and curled against me.

February and March were filled with caring for Mom and arguments. Only later would I realize how much pain she'd been in and how hard it is to feel normal with that. I was trying to race but injuries were slowing me down. I had my new $6k Tiphoon tri bike and couldnt' ride it. Frustrating. Nick was lame and I was hauling him, renting a trailer, for shockwave treatments. It was 7 hrs roundtrip to the vet. I brought Nick to a new barn to have more time for Mom. Busy, busy.

March I brought the two baby ducks home. It was like the show Friends with the duck and chicken.  Mom loved them, a surprise. Our joke became "the ducks grew today!" Temporary pets as they would go to the duck pond but so much fun. The way they would follow me into the house. Mom laughing at me chasing the ducks around the yard or them following me and the cats walking behind them. It brings back such a happy distractful memory. What cancer, we got ducks!

April 9: the arrival of Ariel. I told Mom no more cats but she pushed me for the rescued Bengal knowing I'd always wanted one. Mom even gave Ariel her own room!! Lou was around all the time, a life saver. Dear Lou, he is one jewel of a man!

April 27. Took Nick to Dr T's and met Lance for the first time. We both remember it well. I was so taken by him I got in the truck talking of him and told everyone at work the next day, that I had met the most incredible man. I kept thinking of ways to get him to see Nick. And miracle: Nick was ridable for the first time in 7 months after Lance's first shoeing!!

May, my last race but I won my age group. In 100 degree heat! I got Amy through the triathlon, she had been so nervous. I kept looking for Lance to show up but no go. Life started to get very hard with caring for Mom and my own injury. Physical Therapy, 4 hrs of laundry a day, getting her whatever she wanted to eat. She was diagnosed terminal with 6 months. She's wasting away, a skeleton.  I cleaned her room for her and was in tears, because she would not be around for long. It was so hard facing losing her but I had to be there for her.


June: Mom went to Salt Lake at the end of the month determined like me. She was going to see her nephew graduate!. She was in such awful pain but always called me from her trips. I was told to come up a week after she arrived: I raced Danskin as an elite for the first time with all this in my head. Finished 15th overall female and got on a plane. I sat by her bed for two days while she slept. So I would take care of her in her moments awake. The morphine a blessed relief as we got to talk, she was happy. A laptop in my lap talking to Halfbridled on the Forum. Such encouraging messages sent back. Then I had to fly back to Austin and had to say goodbye. On Thurs, June 17th I hugged her for the last time.  She insisted on standing, IV and all. Holding her frail body to mine while she told me "it never ends". Me, trying not to cry as my heart was ripped out. I told Mom to tell Rio I missed her and Mom said Rio would be sleeping beside her in heaven soon.
The smell, the feel of her bones through fragile skin and knowing I'd never see her again. She went into a coma the next morning. To hold someone knowing you would never see them alive again, never hear thier voice, never have them to talk to, to call, to tell them you love them and all they they gave up for you.
 I went home to work, taking my mind off. I called her Friday, she was asleep all day on morphine
but the phone next to her ear caused her to open her eyes and tell me she loved me
The Call came Sunday the 20th. I left the store, and Sarah McLaughlin's "I will Remember You" was playing. I still cry hearing it.  I started cleaning the house. Lance called and was so sweet. But how could 6 months become 6 weeks! I was mad at the doc for not seeing this. I wanted my Mom back in her home, in our home. I was in this huge house alone.

July: so busy planning the funeral, cleaning.  The funeral was hard, a house full of people, and me having to give the eulogy. I swore not to cry but did, the whole church started crying. It was hot. I tried to cycle 50 miles to the beautiful city of Gruene with the shop but my back spasmed badly. I decided I could not work out anymore. July 3rd Lance called for a date and we talked hours, hours for days. Went to Starbucks, watched Lord of the Rings. I could not believe I was with him and he felt the same way.  I was given 2 weeks to move out of my house and Lance asked me to move in. Salado, the country ranch house, the dogs. Coming home to his kiss and having 5 phone calls a day from him that he missed me. We had maybe 3 nights apart in 2.5 months and that was in the beginning. Those days bring back such happy memories of the care and love he showed.

I guess that is where the rest of the blog takes over...Memories of 2004, the sights, the smells, the songs, the feelings. My heart may be broken but not my spirit.

First of all: Cross Country course is going a big jumps that dont' fall down as they are logs, stacks of logs, banks, ditches, water jumps, or coops. This is all done on a horse that can either jump, refuse or crash into something that doesn't come apart.

I have always wanted to do this. It's part of 3-day eventing. For some reason I like the multisport stuff as it's triathlon on horseback.

Amy took her green horse Casino, the giant gray. He's also known as Demolition Man, due to his ability to get bored and crash thru jumps set up in an arena. Stadium jumps fall down. I took Felix, Amy's intermediate level horse Lance and I have leased. Felix is a schoolmaster, loves to jump and would never refuse. I'm green, so he's great for me. Nick was left at home with sore hocks due to him playing with his new pasture buddies too much.

We set off at 11am and met with Amy's trainer who would give me a lesson. We started on stadium jumps to warm up and then moved on to beginner/novice xcountry: one level above green as grass. This was a huge pasture with large jumps built into it, with diamonds marking the expertise like ski slopes. Luckily I never made a wrong turn!!

After a few rounds we went into the woods. This was like mountain biking on horseback! Get set up, judge the technical route and go for it! Banks are technical because there is no jump landing: a very strange feeling. It was Casino's only refusal and a near fall for Amy but just left all of us laughing...Casino did not refuse again and that horse has a blast. He really enjoyed everything he was put to.

Felix was a joy to ride and took care of me. No matter if I messed up in my riding, he would jump and land safely. At the end we did a bank coming out of a pond, then a huge log was at the top of that. I turned him but was told he could do it, so we did a few rounds(mainly trying to get good pics) with the bank, then a stride and then the log. Then go the other way, log, stride, bank and into the pond.

2 hrs later we were tired. Casino still had energy left.  It was soooooo much fun today!!

This is a THANK YOU for all my friends have done. First of all, STX was a
> total blast, I have never had a better "vacation" for a race. I had so many
> bad feelings of the islands and wanted to turn that around, it happened
> ten-fold. Second, I placed THIRD in my age group, was on the podium and could
> take my pick of Placid, Canada or Florida Ironmans. I took Florida. I was am
> sooooo excited!!!!! It was a very hard race but my swim though not fast was
> calm and good, the bike was right where I expected(actually alittle faster and
> 10 min faster than anyone else in my age group) and the run was 5 min off but
> it was hot.  I had left everything on the course and collapsed on the finish
> to be carried to the med tent for cold towels. The girl(younger age group) I
> outsprinted was in tears and had to have an IV. The best thing was after
> coming out of the swim I passed 7 people in my age group on the bike, and all
> but one on the run and got caught at the last 2 miles by! another woman in my
> age group. She thanked me for pushing her so hard. So I was 2nd place for a
> long time! It was cool. I'm home tonight and you can call if you want at
> 255-4685. No work til Thurs

<P>I qualified for Ironman Florida with my 3rd place age group placing at St Croix, back in May. Little did I know that holding focus on a race for 6 months could be so difficult. When undertaking Ironman training one should inspect what will happen in thier lives due to the training, make sure thier family supports them and also realize there will be low spots and high spots, not just in the race but in training in life. All days off work are spent cycling and running for up to 7 hrs, early mornings before work are spent in the pool or running&nbsp;and you are so tired all the time, bone tired. It's so very rewarding and enjoyable, but it's a challenge in balancing.</P>
<P>My initial base was wonderful, fun and I felt fit. The final month of training I endured a 2 week bout with the flu, the ending of a relationship also&nbsp;causing an abrupt change in travel plans, wheel failures, and a&nbsp;bruised kneecap, &nbsp;you name it, it about happened. The week before the race I had resigned to it being too much trouble and no fun but Brenda Houk talked me into going. About 30 people participated from the Austin area, and it was very enjoyable to see them in Panama City. I quickly became excited to race this one.</P>
<P>IM races are a different ballgame. They are a very, very long day out, at the best around 10:00 hours, at the worst around 16 hrs of nonstop movement and in race mode. There are very low spots in the day, and very high spots. An unexpected ache can occur, an injury, an upset stomach, a cramp, blisters, sunburn, mechanical failures...on the other hand, you can run faster, swim better or cycle stronger than you ever expected!</P>
<P>November 8th finally arrives, after such a long, long wait and a cold front came in leaving wind and a drop in temperature. I had not visualized chop on the swim, this being a large problem later, but on the start line I was nervous enough not knowing whether to throw up or cry. 2200 people, 75% men and 25% women on the beach, along with all the families there to support the loved ones. The start at 7:00am&nbsp;actually went well, I placed myself next to Mark Linsey and figured a 1:20 swim. The mass swim starts can be intimidating but it was also very exciting!</P>
<P>The first lap was horrible but not so much from traffic. The chop, current and jellyfish were bad and I had resigned I could not do another lap. So my mind clicked over how the rest of the day would go with a DNF in the swim. &nbsp;I came in with tears in my eyes, very bad leg cramps and an incredible stuffed nose(salt water allergy)&nbsp;leaving me unable to breathe. I saw Andrea Fisher and asked what to do: she told me to kick more, blow&nbsp; harder. So out I went again. Of course, only higher chop as the wind had kicked up more of it. After the last boat I realized I could DO this, but broke it down to 50 strokes freestyle, 10 breast, 50 freestyle... I was euphoric getting out of the water but concerned at how the swim wore me out and how much salt water I had swallowed. Swim was actually 1:36!! I would have died if I had known I was swimming that long.</P>
<P>The bike was awesome!!! I love how you are handed items like your bags in IM races. The miles clicked by as I kept my cadence at 100rpm. It gave me an average of 19mph but in hindsight my effort could have been alittle harder. I had only done one marathon in my life and that effort had me concerned as it did not go well. I passed Mark and he told me I was going too fast, I told him I was cycling easy!!</P>
<P>Off the bike into the run I felt really well. I had to remind myself my plan of walking rest stops I felt so good&nbsp;but by mile 4 I started to get blisters from my socks. I quickly pulled off my socks and threw them away and ran the&nbsp;next 6 miles sockless&nbsp;knowing I had a fresh pair in my special needs bag. I will put that down as one of the smartest things I ever did in my life. My feet were so happy but even though my knee was starting to hurt I knew I was going to finish near my projected time. By&nbsp;mile 16 I was&nbsp;only drinking chicken broth and coke, but it kept me happy. Never would have guessed that! &nbsp;I kept my pace like a metronome, just trying not to get my bruised knee hurting. I saw friends in the race in different spots and it was fun to cheer each other on.</P>
<P>Darkness fell and a full moon rose after 5pm. Drew, Brenda's parents, Andrea &amp; Jamie and a bunch of other Austinites were there to cheer us on. The spectators&nbsp;are incredible and it is so hard to do a race like this without support. After 2 loops you knew the people calling out your name and telling you that you looked strong. My last loop gave me a wonderful view of the lunar eclipse. How about that? Got to race my first IM during an eclipse!</P>
<P>As I came on to the last 2 miles another Texan was alongside me. I wasnt' going to let her beat me in so picked it up for a sprint finish! I was flying(or at least felt like it!) for the last 2 miles and knew an incredible feeling knowing I had finished an Ironman.</P>
<P>I will do it again but I have a new respect for anyone doing IM distances. It is an&nbsp;wonderful and difficult&nbsp;feat to pull off the training and to do the race in itself. It's a very long day out there and anything can happen. I was fortunate that after the swim was over my nutrition was spot on, as well as my training. Next time will not be so scary and hopefully faster. My time was 12:19, a 17th out of 76 in my age group and number 999 overall.</P>
<P>&nbsp;I can't thank my friends enough for all the support. Even customers at the&nbsp;shop.&nbsp;The cheering, the letters, the cards, the long rides together and the emails. I could not have done it otherwise because as I rode I was thinking of all the people who wanted me to do well and the list was endless. My coworkers and Hill had been awesome, everyone was hoping the best.</P>
<P>Now I will rest, I'm very sore and tired. Ride&nbsp;my horse&nbsp;alot. And definitely be there to cheer others on for thier next race! I have learned so very much about myself, what is important to me, and the importance of being there for others from this experience. No swim will ever bother me and I know I could tough it out with the best that day.<BR><BR><BR></P>
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My journal will be up soon...please check back later!  :)