But in the ups and downs of life it ends again.....Someone did not want my company again, the timing is off and old demons appear.
I've realized how extreme I am, that it is all or nothing and 120%. I was called intense, but I don't know if that is right. I live for the moment, as the moment is and love to enjoy it.
In knowing something so strongly, a horse, a sport, a person, a passion, it can anchor you to the ground.
I hope that who balances me is one who is calm but maybe I found someone fractional and needing many things...but I cared and just felt like I never knew him, there wasn't time and I had worked so hard to make time. I had no control of the situation and he had every bit of control, it was so unfair. He took away my time.
Life changed in 2 days and I was helpless to take myself out of the happiness and contentment, the comfortability and security. I was going to be forced out with bewilderment. A vacation cut short, and a cross country flight home alone. Being held on the couch while I cried and begged to stay and work things out. The desperate feeling of being driven to the airport as Keith Urban's "You'll Think of Me" played. It was my favorite song and it's so strange how you remember every detail. Auggie in the back seat, he was upset at us upset. The just not believing this is happening panic and hoping he would come through  before customs, before I got there. Going home to hell I created because I was upset and in a panic because I was helpless. The same situation being created again and again, like a very hellish movie.

I did go to the Bluegrass Stakes even though single. I missed him, wanting to see things with him.  Arriving in Lexington was bittersweet as the blossoms on the trees and white fence rails greet you with pastures of mares and foals in sight. Foals playing or sleeping in the spring sun.  It was so different than planned and I had to find a hotel on my own. I felt awful and alone, especially in arriving in the room in silence, singleness.
But a call came to visit the track at 5:30am and I was in awe! To watch the gallops and workouts as the sun came up, the finest horses I have ever seen. Exercise riders greeting you as they passed laughing on thier spirited horses. The rail empty but for me and a couple other people, and to be so close to such horses!  Now I know why Nick and I had so much fun.
Then a visit to the Horse Park! Cigar, John Henry, Da Hoss, Affirmed Success. So many breeds and such stories behind each horse. The only hitch was for 3 days I could get no cash with the banks merging.
Stakes Day I drove in alone in my rental car, again, sad but trying to enjoy the moment. Fancy clothes, much more than I expected and me in my black halter, jeans and boots. I had my camera and must have looked pro as I could go just about anywhere I wanted. From the paddock area to the rail I became bolder on where to go and ended up on the start/finish for a double down of the Stakes!  Walking constantly from the saddling area then down making my way through the very crowded rail to get right on it, at a spot I picked. 33,000 people and very few knowing anything of a horse but what money it could win them. Again, as at the Park, I was in awe of the finest horses I have ever seen, jockeys I've only seen on television and read about. It made me feel better but to go back to the silence of the room I did not sleep at all and flew home early.
Lou was there at the airport....steady as always with his crackers and coffee he made for me, and a shoulder to cry on if needed. Not this time...
I ended the day cleaning up Nick. And then thought, why not go for a ride on my old boy? He acted the prancing, shying Thoroughbred he usually is and the fields are filled with flowers and the smell is so sweet and heavy along the stream. The pastures look like someone took handfuls of pink petals and dropped them from the sky with splashes of blue in between.
Texas in the springtime. Absolutely beautiful.